He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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