I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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