Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
