Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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