That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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