Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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