There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
