you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
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I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
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I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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