Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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