u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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