You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
