So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
