Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
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Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
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I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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