My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
