but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
