rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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