I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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