ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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