I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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