i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
