a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
