Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
