So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
the condom got lost in my hair
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
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My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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