i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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