if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
