There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
