i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
