Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
