Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
