I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
