Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Randomize
