dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
