i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
