I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
