My first STD was from a foam party
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
