just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
