I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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