I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
