please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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