I got her a Nickelback box set.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
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apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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