Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
