In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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