I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
