i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
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i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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