I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
