I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
