Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
