I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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