You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
