The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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