u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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