just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
