Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
