So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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