Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
