A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
