Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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