Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Randomize
