What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
