listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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