Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
